Some orbital burdens can never be reimbursed.
So we name them, at the very least.
– ChiccoProtocol™
🚀 Orbital Price List (For a serious one, please visit another planet.)
CRP infinity
With astral values like Chicco's, add 20%
350€
Sedimentation – Maxed Out
Just in case, even when unnecessary
70€
Cytopoint - Cubic Inch in the Bicep
Effective until the clinic closes
600€
Corticosteroid Booster Pack
No side effects – call reception if you survive
110€
Telemedicine
Price per 20 minutes – no email consultations
50€
Immunotherapy – All Inclusive
Only with concurrent immunosuppression + free KC vaccine
500€
Reception hotline 24/7
Booking urgent appointments – 79 days out
60€
Urn service
Always with a smile
300€
MRI without contrast
Images free, diagnosis foggy
1580€
WhatsApp Consultation
€50/20min – Reply: "Yes, give 0.7 ml"
50€
CT - with contrast
Invoice includes contrast, but please bring your own
1350€
Biopsy
Only if you survive the contrast
690€
Leaky Cannnula
Charged even if unused
250€
Malasebus Bath
s vysokohorskou prirážkou +50% - základ je v cenníku
80€
Urgent Collapse
Mountain surcharge +50% – base price listed
500€
Wrong diagnosis
for free (in the price of each package)
for free
Blood drawn by a student
Only in acute cases, 200% surcharge
40€
Incorrect medical records
Wrong dog ´s name
for free
Equoral (18 ml in a syringe)
Charged as full package, oxidation included
50€
Indikation for high - risk surgery
Included with every treatment plan
for free
Consultation behind owner´s back
Available nonstop, even during lunch break
Price unknown
Consultation summary
"Just an allergy. It'll go away."
70€
Medication always without leaflet
Included with eveery service
for free
Blood drown on Mars
Could have been done on Earth, but we took the trip
for free
Why does the price list look like this?
This isn't a joke for the sake of a laugh. It's satire – because without it, the absurdity of orbital dermatology would be unbearable and impossible to describe.
When real-life practice turns into sci-fi, the only way to survive – and to speak – is by translating pain and failure into humor.
The price list is not mocking patients.
It's a mirror held up to those who let suffering spiral into year-end profits.
⚠️ Disclaimer:
If this price list makes you laugh, it means you can read with understanding.
If it doesn't, maybe you wrote it.
If you feel like you've already paid for something like this, that's not our fault – welcome to the orbit. 🚀